As Christmas draws closer I’m overwhelmed with so much emotion. I’ve never been one to shy away from my need to feel, but I’m tired of the tears. I’m sick of them welling up so often. I feel weak and somewhat narcissistic.
The holiday season is a constant reminder that I’m not alone with my sadness. So many struggle for even the most basic of things. Maybe it’s food and shelter, health concerns, loss, or loneliness that they suffer? I look strangers in the eye when they hold up their signs for help and I do my best to respond with kindness. People need help and it does make me feel better when I focus on their needs.
When it comes to talking about how I’m doing; I shy away from it in public. I’m guarding my heart and to be honest, I’m trying to save the person who asked from hearing the truth. I can’t control the pain I feel. I want to be whole again. The loss of my father created a huge hole in my life. This frailty isn’t flattering.
The “lasts” are too much sometimes. I hate that I printed out the last family Christmas picture that my dad was in this week. I am angry that I will never again celebrate another holiday with him. I’m crushed to think that I celebrated the last Independence day with him, but I’m so thankful that I held his hand during the fireworks display. It may have been the last one we would share, but it really was the best. We celebrated with neighbors and everyone went all out around the river.
What I haven’t been able to write thus far is really how much I’ve learned this year about myself. I’m not happy with a lot of it. I wrote in my “about” page when I first started this blog that I was learning to live a life without so many regrets and as I review this last year I won’t say that I regret things, but I could have done a better job. At the beginning of 2015 I made a list for the year of the things I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t follow through.
As I continue to be a work in progress, I hope that each of you recognizes your value. I pray that each of you know that you are loved by someone. Truly live your life because none of us are promised tomorrow. Tell your loved ones that you love them. Hug often. I urge you to be present for your family and friends. Don’t miss the Fireworks.
(And dang that Stevie Wonder and Andra Day for having such beautiful voices. Yes, I sure did download their song)